Last post, I started this rather speculative series to create an intellectual framework of the enlightenment process. I have a feeling I will look back on this in ten years and have another view entirely. But that is ok. The key is to never cling to a perspective. To never believe the way you experience yourself and the world is the only way. There are many windows to God, and my role here is to highlight some of them. In this post, I will dissect a radical shift in perspective: The awakening from the ego.
I am not here to only talk about the wonderful and the beautiful. To further strengthen the idealized stories of great enlightenment and continuous bliss. My purpose, apparently, is to talk about both the dark and the light. As we have to explore the dark to find light in it.
One cannot see past the darkness while in it. As if the light has to leave you, albeit temporarily, to later return and ignite your view of reality with glory. Sufi mystic Henry described it with one beautiful sentence: The Angel out ahead.
For many, but only in retrospect, it seems clear that what has happened was exactly what was needed to come to this place right now. Call it spiritual. Call it life. As if we are being pulled towards the unknown by a force immeasurably stronger than us. The angel out ahead diving in the depths, leaving us behind, to explore the dark unknown and ignite this new and frightening realm or perspective. So that we can become the bridge between the physical and that which gives life to it.
That is perhaps why every small or bigger shift in perception is preceded by a period of darkness. Tiredness, depression, fear, loneliness. Not loneliness because we are alone in this world, but alone in the other one, out ahead in the dark unknown. As our angel, or soul if you will, has left us to embark on a dangerous journey of exploration. Always with the goal to bring you closer to the Source. After having experienced multiple smaller perceptual shifts, some are called to the dark depths to be prepared for a radical awakening. One that truly changes our view of ourselves and the world.
The dark depths
The cycles of contraction and expansion continue, but this time without a culminating shift as relief. Over time, a nagging feeling of disconnection grows. Something feels off, felt both in the mind and body. The story of our life seems senseless, purposeless, perhaps even useless. Motivation to be part of society and its demands decreases and constant fatigue hits. Slowly but surely, it drags us in a corner, demanding to completely surrender to the unknown. The ego becomes a powerful force, trying its best to remain in control. The stories that it spins are aimed at your Achilles heel, your personal weaknesses. Stories of chronic illness, depression, pathology, relational issues or addictions are made so real that you cannot help but believe them. Memory starts to fade, and the experience of past and future are disrupted. Illnesses or injuries are not uncommon in this phase, as the process sometimes demands us to step down from our busy lives.
As time progresses and the darkness thickens, it more and more feels as an inescapable burden. One that you cannot conquer. And that is true, as the belief in who we are is exactly that which is keeping the puzzle from being solved. But it is not a puzzle for us to solve, as the ego cannot look beyond the ego. We can only trust the angel out ahead, the impersonal process guiding you towards a new way of viewing yourself and the world.
Eventually, after a long period of agony, you will be forced to surrender. And that is when it hits. For me, it happened during a retreat at my place. Everyday I sat down on my sofa, crying in agony. Every day felt like an impossible drag. In the mornings, visions appeared in which I saw myself being ripped apart. Until eventually, a voice called me to sit down and it simply clicked. And when it clicks, the darkness immediately lifts. In retrospect, it’s just a story, another state that appeared so real. But it is only real while in it.
A radical opening of the mind
What truly shifted is the belief in the ego as being us. In one instance, the identification with the ego is cut through. From that day on, our personality, or who we perceive ourselves to be, becomes a story. And with it goes the ego as being the main driver of our life.
Imagine a drinking glass. Over time the glass is filled with divine juice from the source. Every minor perceptual shift fills the glass further, until you truly feel merged with it. But it isn’t meant to be ours. It is meant to flow through us, our forms being the vehicles that connect the divine with our physical reality.
This awakening is the bottom falling out of that glass, leaking the juice in an infinite sea of water. Infinite awareness. And whereas it felt as if this juice was ours, as if it was personal, now it becomes clear that it is everything. Everywhere. Not ours, never was. What we identify with now in waves is awareness itself, vast and infinite. And we as a person are a tiny speck of that vast awareness. Which is immensely liberating at first, but later on starts to feel detached. Dry. Hollow. As if it doesn’t matter anymore, for what is your life worth if you don’t play a role in it?
The void of no-me
After the initial honeymoon in which the angel returns in full glory, showing you the light, a dry period starts. In the stories you always hear that an awakening is followed by eternal bliss, but that’s not how it seems to play out. At least, I have not met anybody that did not have a long period of integration after this radical opening of the mind. Actually, the stories of all people I have witnessed going through this period are remarkably similar, although the intensity of the process can greatly vary. Some are able to function completely, some need time for themselves to adjust to this new state of being. As it can be a radical bolt of grace, both for the mind and the body. But it seems we all have to experience true emptiness, before we can experience the fullness springing forth from it.
On average, this integration period seems to take a full year. And I could split it into 3 distinct periods:
The initial bliss phase (often quite short)
The equanimity phase ( 3-5 months)
The embodiment phase (6-8 months)
Hold these phases lightly, as it is not as easy as bringing such an intelligent process down to three phases. But we need some intellectual understanding don’t we?
The Equanimity phase
So imagine. The bottom falls out. You do not know who you are anymore, as who you believed to be before, the ego, seems to have lost all of its control over you. Not only that, this shift expands perception to such a degree that it can feel as if you are the entire ocean. The equanimity, being ok with whatever occurs in life, comes from this recognition. As the ocean does not suffer from one wave crashing against a rock, you as infinite awareness do not suffer by all things personal.
Although liberating and greatly reducing suffering from external events, it is also dry. As the angel left again and the connection to what we are is lost, it is a period of seeing what is not there. It is void of intimacy and sensual experience through the senses. It feels a bit off and distant. As if you’re there but also distant from your own body and soul. The first 4-5 months are especially dry, in which there seems no motivation whatsoever. The old ego-based motivational energy is gone, but there is no new form of energy that has taken its place. Eventually, after another period of darkness and especially fatigue, the equanimity phase ends a new form of motivation takes place. A motivation coming from a less personal source.
The Embodiment phase
Slowly, gradually, wide awareness starts to come back into our unique form. But this process is not without its challenges, as many psychological wounds need to be healed. And they are done so by being felt completely, often inducing heatwaves of emotions without being triggered by external events. Whereas it feels as if external events hardly affect us in the equanimity phase, truly embodying this realization asks for emotional catharsis. Great sadness, rage, fear, disorientation, all are part of this process of integration. And all are here to work through the attachments we built during our life. Attachments to ourselves, families, relationships, work. All of it has to be held in the bright light of awareness and be burned to ashes.
This process is all about the ego. With the natural cycles of expansion and contraction still occurring, every contraction is a new square-off with the ego and its seducing stories. In every contraction, the stories seem and feel real. But there is nothing to do about it, other than being aware of it and treating yourself well. Over time, the grip of the ego loosens and other challenges come to the forefront.
The end of the void: From nothingness to fullness
I remember it quite well. One day, after a year of grinding through the void, I woke up in the morning and everything in perception was simply divine. Perception itself was divine. A voice said to me: Nothing changed and yet everything has. The source found me on that day, and my soul returned in full glory.
This particular shift is the conclusion of this long and tedious process. Out of nowhere the state of “nothing really matters” shifts to “everything matters” and our unique form finally comes to life again. It truly feels like that. Coming alive, at last. Experience through the sense becomes sensual and intimate, lovingly so. A new energy brings new activities to pursuit. and the world brightens up in happiness to see that we have fulfilled our journey. For now. Whereas before there was only the absolute or infinite awareness, now there is also the relative us. And these 2 modes are now accessible at all times. When something happens to us personally, it is viewed from the eye of the absolute. And the absolute, one could say, feels as the source or God. God from without, not from within. It greatly reduces suffering and makes life more sacred and connected. Time still feels linear, but is experienced differently now. The future and past are seen as thoughts in the moment, not really having the same force of reality as they used to have.
Although magnificent, there still is a subtle duality here. For there still is an absolute and a relative. This is the completion of Buddhism’s Hinyana vehicle, or dare I say, the controversial Theravadan tradition. Paradoxically, people often feel enlightened here, sometimes even say that they are enlightened. Even while having cut through the illusion of the ego as self. It seems as if God created this state to market spirituality, as the desire to speak about this “higher” state is strong. There seems to be a logical way to reach this state, even while knowing that “you” cannot attain it. And so spiritual teachers are born here, teaching what they have done to get “here”. They are granted wisdom, but still perceive from the mind. As the mind is now awakened from itself.
It is a wonderful view, but also quite detached in retrospect. As if we have transcended our basic vulnerable humanity. As if we have transcended our sweet heart, that want nothing else then to be touched. One taste is an apt Buddhist description for this state, as everything is perceived from the absolute, all equally beautiful. But therefore not quite as unique and intimate as human love can be. To experience that, we first have to transcend all teachings and meet our True Self. Our personal Angel, who knows us much better than we do ourselves. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Some people spend many years seeing reality through this perspective. Some get pulled down quickly. Perhaps fortunately so. As my mentor once said: “The stench of enlightenment is great in this state”. And the fall will be much harder when we have built a plateau for ourselves to teach from. My fall was quick. Only 3 months was I allowed to spend in this remarkable state, before the angel went out ahead again. This time preparing me for a process of even greater magnitude and intensity.
Next up: The awakening of the Heart in part 3 of this speculative series.
Sources that may be of help for further intellectual understanding:
Experience of No-Self - Bernadette Roberts. A personal story of Bernadette going through this transition from a Christian perspective. By far the most detailed book I could find on this particular process.
My own personal experience. I have wrote this text while in the void, not from fullness.
So recognizable, loved the part of the Angel going ahead to explore the darkness. You have a great style of writing, looking forward to part 3 :)
This might be my favorite post of yours yet. Funny, interesting, thought-provoking, and now I can't wait for the third installment.
"From being a wave, to being the sea. Who wouldn’t want that? The answer: You" this made me laugh.