Born again

I witnessed a birth today

This morning I witnessed a birth. Not of a child, but of a dear friend's perspective finally breaking to give way for a new one. Doesn't sound impressive, I know. But trust me, the intensity of such a breakthrough is hard for a human body to bear. Just like a ‘real’ birth is.

For many months he suffered. In waves, because that is how these processes tend to work. Dragging himself to work, raising his kids, trying to live a normal life. But deep inside, a battle was raging. A battle between ego and spirit, felt in mind and body alike.

I've had the honour to witness this process working trough him, seeing it unfold beautifully every time we met. Whereas it was abundantly clear to me that the direction was set, that it only was a matter of time and utter surrender to then finally give way, it didn't for him. For him it felt like the opposite. Which is natural as big openings or awakenings are always preceded by periods of darkness. As if no matter what you do, you seemingly lost all ability to find distance from the intensity. As if you're slowly pushed into a corner, from which there is no escape.

He told me it became increasingly harder. That he was done with it, almost couldn't bear it anymore. So I asked him why he was fighting still, to which he replied that he wanted to be the best. To conquer this final challenge so he could admire himself for his perseverance.

I asked him to connect, to look me in the eyes and asked him to feel what it's like having to be the best. It broke him. The grief that erupted was deep and humble. And my heart broke with him, remembering the pain as he went through it. “I can't do it anymore”. “I don't know how”. “I just want it to end”, he cried.

And in that sheer vulnerability. In this moment of utter weakness, after such a long period of coping, something shifted. The energy lightened up, the darkness lifted and he mumbled: “huh, that's strange”. “The thoughts are the same but they are not me anymore”. He finally realized he could not ever achieve this. That it was truly the “I” that was in the way. And thus a new perspective was born.

One of ego-disidentification. Of being awareness instead of person. Which is only one of multiple big shifts, but nevertheless incredibly life-changing. Well, not really. Life remains the same, just experienced through a different lens. Which makes all the difference.

Being witness of such a birth is miraculous. Humbling, pure, the realness of being human felt in every fiber. It shows the mysterious power of the transcendent ripping the illusory grip of the ego apart. It's a beginning, not an ending. A birth, not a death. Although it feels like one. It's a start of a new journey. Of learning how to walk once again. First having to experience what is lost, before the divine eventually shows what is gained. All perspective, nothing more.

But in a world that only exists through your perspective, it is exactly that which makes all the difference.

Perhaps I'll write a longer post about the different bigger perceptual shifts, which would be my mind modelling the ineffable. It helped me to intellectually understand though. Would it help you?

With love,

Pim