You might have heard of the word enlightenment, perhaps you're even seeking it yourself. Truth is, enlightenment is a bit of a trick. We all want it for ourselves, but you can have none of it. Enlightened people do not exist, as one awakens from the person. Yet, there are many (I guess) who have a perspective of unity, meaning that they experience themselves to be the entirety of the universe through a lens in which duality cannot exist. Which still, ironically, is a first-person view.
I could tell you that you are already enlightened, that there is no path, that you are already perfect as you are, because you are a manifestation of the whole being we call the universe. And I would not be lying from my current perspective. Yet, I do see how unhelpful that can be as you cannot see, feel, experience that which is not in awareness right now. It's a perspective game, nothing more. Just as color-blind people couldn't possibly let you experience how it is to see no color in life, a person with a non-dual perspective cannot let you experience theirs. However, knowing all of it is merely a view, I do not ever make the claim that it is the final perspective, even that it's better, because that would be based on dual assumptions. As the universe is constantly changing, our definitions of who and what we are change with it.
I think many of us make the mistake of clinging to models, especially in male-crowded spiritual groups, somehow believing them to be more true than their own experience. Unfortunately, all belief is based on delusion. There is only present-moment experience that has truthfulness to it. And yet, we humans are storytellers. That power in particular is what makes us the most dominant species on the planet by far. We can bind entire societies through our stories, even enforce wars through common narratives. We define ourselves by borders, countries, concepts, ideas, but what we truly are underneath can't be defined in words. It simply is.
Still, I know it was very helpful for me to have an intellectual understanding of the unknown territory that I was journeying through. Or it journeying through what I once believed to be me, however you like to frame it. And I simply have a mind that is constantly analyzing, interpreting, connecting the dots while screaming it wants to share what it has found. So here we are, me sharing a very speculative model of something ineffable with you, hoping that it can give you some form of guidance on the everlasting journey we call life. Do not ever cling to it, do not see it as the only way, as it is nothing more than a first-person experience transformed into a general idea. But enough warnings now, let us begin the journey. And as sparks often are catalyzers for stories to begin, the spiritual journey starts with just that: a spark. Let us call it a spark of grace, to add some joie de vivre to the quite remarkable and transformative experience.
A spark of grace
Just like that, often after a period of distress, in the most simplest of moments. While reading a book, walking in nature, looking in the eyes of a fellow human, a warm and intimate feeling pervades consciousness. As if God descents from heaven and wraps his loving arms around you. It is now clear what perhaps has been a suspicion for a long time: There is no such thing as separation. Leading to feelings of peace, joy, compassion and equanimity. At long last, the mind retreats in silence, giving the impression that this perspective will stay like this forever. But it doesn’t. The source has shown its face, marking this experience as one of no-return. The spark is ignited, but as every perspective, this one too has to make way for something new. One thing doesn’t change though: An ever pulling desire to relive this experience permanently. We can then say this this experience truly is the beginning of seeking.
The first face-off with the underworld
And then, this remarkably pleasant but sometimes manic experience, starts to slip through your fingers. A period of alienating darkness begins in which there is a mental remembrance of the divine feeling that is lost. And yet, it seems so far away. The harder you try to regain it, the more distant it seems. It is often paired with feelings of fear, sadness, loneliness and sometimes even severe depression, depending on the particular demons hiding in the depths of your psyche waiting to be faced. Indulging in worldly pleasures can become less attractive, as every part of your being, including the senses, is affected by the process working through you. Physically, you may feel drained and weak. With headaches, bouts of nausea, again depending on your unique form in this world. Daily life becomes a bit of a drag, there often is a strong desire for renunciation, and challenges will be thrown at you. As these processes are synchronistic, not linear. As a personal example, the most gritty confrontation with the underworld I had to face until now was a seemingly endless period in which I had to endure the mental and physical hardships of Long Covid. In retrospect, it is clear that sickness was needed to completely surrender to a new perspective. Sickness is a wise teacher. It brings the gifts of humility and humbleness while forcing one to surrender deeply. But only in retrospect.
This period can last weeks or months, sometimes even years, and shows up in a wave-like fashion of contraction and expansion. Which is one of the principles governing our waking reality. The key, as ever, is surrendering to the process working through you, instead of working on the process. Thereby trying to control it in the direction you want. I could say that you have to meditate, or chant, or actively inquire into the nature of the process, but even that is highly dependent on your unique preferences. I know people who finally gave up during an ayahuasca session, while listening to a particular song, while reading some spiritual sentence and while simply walking in nature. You don’t pick the moment, it picks you. You don’t work on the process, it works through you. Although, especially in the beginning, diligent effort is needed to then eventually be replaced by Grace, the flow of life itself guiding the simple form that you are. And then the question arises, who was so diligently striving?
The shift and the integration period that follows
The moment of surrender is the moment the shift occurs. And with it, reality as you knew it is changed forever. However, what really changed was your way of seeing, not reality itself. As reality itself cannot be known. Often followed by a short period of over-expansion and ego inflation, every shift feels like a new wonder. As if you are special. And you are, but not in the way that the ego makes you believe. But, as Jack Kornfield wrote a wonderful book about: ‘after the ecstacy, the laundry’. Meaning that a period of expansion is always followed by a period of contraction. And during periods of contraction, the true changes of the new view must be integrated in your being. Both psychological and physical. During this period, one often feels vulnerable, weak, small, while working trough deep psychological trauma and physical distress.
I will later on talk more about these universal laws of contraction and expansion in another series. But for now, let’s focus on the model itself.
A variety of subtle perspective shifts
Subtle is perhaps not the right word, as these shifts in perception feel like major life-changing events, forcing a calibration to a new reality. And yet, in retrospect, these shifts are seen as merely glimpses of what is to come. I have described all of these shifts in great detail on my website, so I'm not going to dive deeply here. I do have to mention though, that in retrospect I would have described these shifts quite differently. Which doesn't mean these descriptions are not valid. On the contrary. In retrospect it is quite silly that humanity believed the earth to be flat, and yet this narrative at the time was obvious and the common ground of collective understanding. My point is that I can't really make sense of it anymore from this current perspective, just like we can't make sense in retrospect of the belief in a flat earth. Which says a lot about the ever subjective meaning we attach to our view, none of them ever being the truth.
Every subtle shift feels like a purer experience, less narrated by the ego. Over time, the desire to change reality as it is reduces. Simply because it becomes clearer that it can’t be changed. That the controlling force of our lives that appeared so real is seen trough more and more, being replaced by something more powerful. Something divine. However, even after some of these life-changing perspective shifts, the self is still ego. Meaning that there still is a belief in your personality being true, being real. Being of importance. This can lead to problems, as the gifts of the divine can feel like yours. And the ego surely likes to build another identity out of these gifts.
In my experience from my own journey and of having had the honor of guiding others on theirs, it seems that three distinct subtle shifts occur before a bigger one takes place. Although that is not of any importance, as the logic and order of these processes are often unclear. Each of the subtle shifts come with their own unique characteristics on experiencing reality. For some, the process stabilizes after their 2nd shift. For some after their 3th. And some are led towards a shift that is more radical.
So off we go, in the direction of the first rather radical perspective shift, which is by no means comparable to the prior ones in terms of perceptional difference and integration duration. Which I will try to describe in part 2 of this speculative series.
This is very clear and well done. Thank you for it.
Can't wait for part 2 :)