I remember a time when I loved piano music but couldn't listen to it. It came too close, hopped over the thick walls I had built my entire life and tickled my heart. To my disliking. I was afraid of feeling what was hidden there. It brought up memories and pains far beyond my understanding. So I simply didn't listen.
Same with sexuality. I remember as a young adolescent I had wild sexual fantasies. They made me feel alive because I let them flow through me completely, gently touching the soul wherever they went. But in a world where the concept of normal is well-defined and embraced, shame of everything not within the boundaries of normal is a natural result. And what greater enemy to the heart than shame? “Shame on you for being you” it constantly reminds you. Thus, all fantasies of the past slowly crawl away to the shadows where they belong. According to the normal at least.
Living a completely normal life, adapting to the normal wherever I could, my body and mind became ill. They started to scream change but the walls were too thick to breach. Then I came upon Buddhism, a tradition that promised me to get rid of desires. Just what I needed. So I started training equanimity and to let awareness use its whip whenever a desire occured. It helped, I started to feel more peaceful. In a detached way.
“In a world where the concept of normal is well-defined and embraced, shame of everything not within the boundaries of normal is a natural result.”
Until my heart started to scream again and begged to be touched. It didn't want to get rid of desires. It wanted to feel the powerful force of wanting. It wanted to feel alive and touched beyond tears. It wanted to vibrate out of joy and love. “Goddamnit”, I said to the heart. “Here I am, having done all this work to become a perfect equanimous being. And now you want me to let that go as well?”. “Trust me”, the heart simply said.
So there we went, in the dark shadows of the heart. Feeling all the great buried desires crashing through my being with nowhere to hide. “This is also who you are” all of them said. Sometimes desires so strong the urge to resist was futile. But now I realize they just needed to be felt. To have me say to them that it's ok. That they are allowed here too, in this contradictory vessel named Pim.
Some time later but here I am. Sitting on my favorite chair, listening to the sweet tunes of my favorite piano artist touch my heart beyond tears. Letting a remarkably vivid sexual fantasy play itself out to completion. Could it become reality? Who knows. But I don't mind if it doesn't. Because I felt it already.
So dear reader. Let this be an invitation to be touched. To not let anybody tell you that you should be ashamed of your deepest desires. Let your desires and preferences be a gateway to God. You are the universe in a tiny form indeed, but that tiny form is unique in its possibilities to experience the Divine. So truly ask yourself: “What do I desire?” And let whatever follows fill you up to the brim.
Feel it, live it. Be it. It is who you are.
And how could that not be perfect?