Eulogy to my mother

I’ve been quiet here for a while, for a reason. The situation around my mother has gotten exceedingly worse, up to the point where she became bed-ridden and fell in a state of unconscious suffering. I felt the need to sit by her side as much as I could, together with family.

I don’t know why but I felt a clear wish to be with her on the moment of passing. On February the 15th, we were planning to go see her in the morning. Mashel asked me why I wore such fancy clothes that day, and I unconsciously replied: “Because she’s going to die today”. After which I told Mashel, again without any apparent reason, to hurry. The moment we stepped inside of her room, 2 nurses where standing at her bed. I saw the shock in their eyes and asked whether she had passed. But she hadn’t. Her breathing was shallow, but we still felt her presence. Few minutes later, she let go in our arms. Such relief I felt, so happy that her suffering was now finally over.

She created this painting of our family with her best friend in her final phase

The grief came later of course, and it was deep. A mixture of deep gratitude for having known her and deep sadness for having lost her flooded my being. So I sat with it and just let it flood me for days, until it simply passed.

The funeral was a week ago. It was intense and beautiful, just feeling the sheer depth of collective grief while carrying the coffin to the ceremonial room brought me to tears. I gave a eulogy to my mother, an ode to who she was. An ode to her apparent contradictions, to her light and her darkness, to her uniqueness, which made her exactly how she was meant to be.

I remember a time in which I didn’t understand funerals. Why the grief? None of it is really real. It was during a phase of deep emptiness. A transitional phase during which my heart seemed to have disappeared completely. Now though, I realize that funerals are sacred traditions that need honouring. They are celebrations of death, as it is death and suffering that give beauty to life. They are moments of deep healing, vessels for collective grief where it is finally allowed to feel the depths of despair deep inside of you. And because it is allowed, it is carried by the collective presence of all human beings in the room.

It was amazing to me to witness so many people step into the moment. The chains around their heart broken to a rare degree of openness. I heard people speak of synchronicities as if they are the most normal occurrences in our society. I heard people speak of astrology and their own deep transformational journeys. I saw people cry a thousand tears for a woman they barely knew. The collective heart in that room was open, albeit for a few hours. And to witness that filled me with great gratitude, a great love for humanity as a whole. While grieving for my mother. All of it at once. What wonder to be alive in a world full of suffering, birth and death.

Man:
“If God is benevolent, just, loving and all-powerful, then why is there so much pain and misery everywhere in the world? Why doesn’t God stop bad people from committing crimes? Why doesn’t he protect good people from misfortune and evil?”

Ramana Maharshi:
“To thicken the plot.”